I'll Have Hypertension With My Resolution, Please

My fiancée and I decided that for Christmas this year we would get each other a Garmin Vivofit watch.  For those of you unfamiliar, this is one of those fitness watches that keeps you posted on the number of steps you’ve taken for the day, number of calories you’ve burned and reminds you if you’ve been sedentary for too long.  It even monitors the soundness of your sleep.

I was all for it.  I’m fifty now and I’m a load.  Let’s face facts, we didn’t name this blog (and upcoming podcast) Fat Guys’ Rants because we’re lean and mean.  Well…we CAN be mean, but it seemed like a good way to get a jump on the annual New Year's resolution. of losing weight and getting into some kind of condition.

As I got closer to fifty I kept hearing how it’s the new thirty.  However, looking at myself in the mirror I thought “if that is true then I was a freaking disaster at thirty.”  Or thirty was the old sixty.  Either way, something has to be done so I pushed all-in and for the last week I’ve been wearing my watch religiously.  I even downloaded a complimentary app that lets me log in my food consumption and the two integrate seamlessly to give a complete picture of my day.  How it all works I have absolutely no idea and if I think about it too long a get a headache, but I’m blindly following my new toys. 

And it’s killing me.

When you’ve been sedentary for too long a red line starts to creep across the top of the watch.  As time passes it grows longer and longer and taunts me. I start to feel the anxiety build the longer I am stuck at a task, unable to walk and rid myself of the screaming red line.

I drive a lot for work around the upper Midwest.  There are a lot of times that I can’t pull over and walk a quick 1/8^th of a mile or so and the stress is getting to me.

The red line might as well be telling me “Hey, Lardass!  I’m TRYING to help you out here and you’re blowing me off.  Stay fat you son of a bitch…”

I started listening.

Trips that used to take me three hours are now taking me three and a half.  I can’t NOT stop.  I try.  I really do.  I used to be the guy that would try and time his pee, food and gas stops all together but I can’t do it anymore. Last week I was in Antigo, Wisconsin and ordered lunch.  While I was waiting I left and did three laps around the parking lot so I could eat in peace.  I relax immensely when I can make the red line go away.

Just the other day I was so happy to get to an appointment five minutes early - not because I had a few last minutes to prepare but because I could get rid of the damn red line.  The day before I sat through a meeting only hearing half of what was being said because the damn red line was deafening.  I couldn’t wait to get outside and walk around the parking lot before getting to my car and get rid of that line.

 

Even at home, while watching TV I'll jump up and walk around the house, climb the stairs and do it all again. And again. It's three laps around the house to get rid of the red line.  Heather has now ceased asking about it and has resigned herself to my rapidly evolving OCD.  She doesn't even raise her head anymore when I leap up from the couch and head off.

As I jumped on the scale this morning I was excited to see how my new regimen was working out.

I gained .4 of a pound.

So while I haven’t lost any weight, I now have hypertension and a burgeoning anxiety disorder.

 

Merry Christmas…